Wednesday, August 31, 2011

How We Wear It #1: Jumpsuit Edition, or I can't pee in this outfit

Dear loyal fanbase,

Don't ever say we don't listen to your requests! After receiving absolutely no thousands of emails asking advice on how to possibly pull off The Jumpsuit we have decided to indulge your behests. And so we bring you the jumpsuit, As If style.

Dumroll please.... the ultimate jumpsuit ensemble:

Jizz-in-my-eye pose optional but highly recommended (Sorry, mom)

If you do not own or cannot pull off a turband, fur vest, 3 lb necklace, and fringed heels, please do not even consider purchasing a jumpsuit. If you already did, lucky for you they sell turbans at Urban Outfitters. Since a jumpsuit is such a subtle and modest sartorial selection, it is important to pile on as many accessories as possible. Go big or go home. Note: I am seated on the floor not only because it's an extremely flattering pose but also because I was suffering from heat exhaustion after strutting around my apartment wearing fur in August. The things I do... 

However, if your desire is not to look like Khloe Kardashian (the other other sister) or the wife of a modern maharaja currently residing in Beverly Hills, continue reading...  

Ema's Take:

Jumpsuit: Cheap Monday, Necklace: The Gmizzle (again), Shoes: once belonged to a stripper in the 80's (Buffalo Exchange), Blazer: woot H&M woot.

I may or may not have a 1990s fetish and so I present to you ZEEBRA PRINT JUMPSUIT accompanied by Fiona Apple inspired choker. This look is perfect for you if: a) Scary Spice was your favorite Spice Girl, b) You have always secretly dreamed in being an extra in a low-budget porno, or c) You want people to wonder if you're wearing your pajamas out. 

And yet the best accessory for a zebra print jumpsuit is a "hand-made" mask, not for those who need to hold onto things like drinks, purses or dignity. Also make sure to use at least half a tub of castor oil on your hair to really make it shine. See above for inspiration. 

(Note: Photo has best effect if seen while listening to the 1995 hit Snakeface by Throwing Muses)

-- Ema;   Embrace the beast within you.

Kayla's Take: 

If you are like Kayla, a reluctant jumpsuit-wearer, otherwise known as someone who wants to be able to tell people you're wearing a jumpsuit while also having to point out the fact that you are indeed wearing one, look no further:

Jumpsuit: ALC, Shoes: Theyskens Theory

This outfit is ideal for so many reasons! From afar, it appears you're simply wearing a black top and black pants while also showing off your FUPA. Up close though, WOW, It's ONE PIECE! This jumpsuit is nothing if not versatile. Wear it to your court-mandated community service and then go right to a funeral, no change necessary! 

Jumpsuits are especially handy when you just simply do not have time to shave your legs; we know our fans are all busy women. (Straight men: if by freak accident you are reading this blog, I'm being hypothetical. My legs are smooth and shiny, ALWAYS). 

Yes I offer modeling lessons. Email asifblog2014, Tuesdays and Thursdays. 
Here I'm showing off my (soon to be patented) high fashion duck face 

So as you can see, As If endorses the jumpsuit. We acknowledge that it is a controversial piece and for those new to the world of jumpsuits, we have assembled some tips to help embark on your one piece journey:

  • Most jumpsuits have elastic waistbands! Perfect for holidays such as HalloweenThanksgiving EAT UP, LADIES. However, be mindful of liquid consumption (see title). 
  • If you don't want that creepy guy at the bar to hit on you, wear a jumpsuit. We promise, it works. 
  • If you are not at a Studio 54 themed party and/or do want male attention, save the jumpsuit for another night
  • Have a friend on call to help you out of the jumpsuit
  • We all have the desire to do a cartwheel in the middle of a nightclub. Indulging this urge made possible by jumpsuit. 
  • Prison chic, always in. 
  • Seriously, watch what you drink. 
And on a final note, JUMPSUITS ROCK!

*We are getting our blogger poses down; please be patient. 

Sunday, August 28, 2011


<a href="">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>

Dear Fans,

We're on bloglovin. Please follow us so the greater internet community thinks knows we're popular.

Ema and Kayla

PS there are actual, successful really awesome blogs to follow, if you're into that kind of thing. 

Saturday, August 27, 2011

What We Would Wear #1: Irene Edition (OR; outfits that will blow your mind. Weak pun, I know.)

by Ema

Sooo unless you live under a giant soundproof rock with no TV, WiFi, cell phone service or radio (otherwise known as where I am currently residing in Hudson Valley, NY) you have heard about this big ol angry bitch comin' our way. Make wayyyy for Miss Irene, The embodiment of America's obesity problem (in case you're wondering how that makes any sense at all, in my head I imagine Irene as a giant, massively fat woman dressed in pink spandex huffing and puffing as she galumphs across the country, shaking the earth and raining down monsoons of sweat with every laborious step).
Anyways, as the hurricane parties are beginning to be planned (I personally am going to one tonight at the abode of a friendly local farmer who has a bird’s nest chilling in the bald spot above his ponytail and a large hot tub which I have been enthusiastically invited to use, regardless of the fact that I did not pack a bathing suit.) In order to help all y’all plan what outfits you are going to wear to your hurricane parties, I have decided to lay out a series of outfits perfect for welcoming our dear, gusty friend to the Big Apple.

Look 1

umbrella hat; xmas present from the G-Ma, Earrings: Claire’s, Necklaces; present from the G-mizzle (vintage, 1920’s), Shirt; $1 rack outside of a drycleaner’s, Cardigan; Top Shop (in the 80’s), Bangles: H&M

I like to call this look hurricane chic. It all together cost me a very costly dollar a few Xmases back, and is ever appropriate. The elastic band of the umbrella hat  gives you a nice flapper look which, when accompanied by a mess of classy chains and some pearls becomes endlessly high class vintage, and keeps your hair and shoulders dry! This look paired with some Versace rain-proof heels and a couture bedazzled rain poncho will make you completely impermeable. Let it rain baby, let it rain.

Look 2

I like to call this look The Minimalist Daredevil. Let’s face it, storms are sexy. All those dripping wet, wind-swept, hunks running around saving women from falling trees and stripping their shirts off to jump into a flooded ravine to save a drowning kitten. So sometimes you just need a look that says let’s go to the evacuated parts of Brooklyn and do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. Underpants and blurred out nipple optional.

Look 3

Take this Christopher Kane blue gingham dress and pair it with some ruby heels and a dog in a basket, cause you never know where this hurricane might take you. (Tin Man not included.)

Look 4

I know this is what I’ll be wearing. Where’s my mediocre looking lovebug to hold me in his mildly muscular arms?


-- Ema

Friday, August 26, 2011

Fly Kicks; or the time I bought sneakers; OR aren't you glad I didn't name this post Pumped Up Kicks

by Kayla

                                                   I don't know why these look so orange here

Let me introduce to you the newest addition to the
RidiculousthingIbuyandprobablywIllnotwearveryoften family: Velcro Sneakers brought to you by Isabel Marant.  To those of you that scoff at the thought of overpriced (seriously. shamefully so.) Velcro burgundy sneakers, I say fuck you I have a blog.  I wear what I want.

Lemme tell ya, these shoes are fucking fresh. So what if I’ve worn sneakers five times in the past three years, four of which involved sitting on my couch in workout clothes pretending I’m going to go to the gym…. Didn’t stop me from buying these bad boys. Let’s take a look:

 First of all, they box says they’re bordeaux which is a lot classier than burgundy. So they’re fancy French overpriced Velcro burgundy sneakers. I know what you’re thinking: GHET-TO. Know what I’m thinking? Hell yea! Cheers to ghetto fabulous shoes I can refer to as phat kicks and be completely serious.

To all the doubters and the haters out there that think I can’t pull off ghetto fabulous… you’re probably right. Still not stopping me. I will rep the shit out of this velcro. A little background: as a little girl lacking any control over my sartorial fate, I was banned from wearing Velcro sneakers. My mom didn’t think they were sophisticated enough. Don’t even get me started on the really sick ones with the soles that lit up when you walked. Those were out of the question. You might ask well, what five year old is meant to look sophisticated? And I say, I now know why I showed up for the first day of kindergarten in a black turtleneck and leather miniskirt. True story. So now that I’m a spoiled mature and independent woman, I can fuckin wear Velcro if I want to.

Best part? HIDDEN PLATFORM. These might look like your average burgundy bordeoux fly ass kicks, but you are mistaken, my friend. There is so much more. 2 inches more to be exact. So not only do I look awesome in these, I’m also spitting on the gods of genetics. In these babies, I can soar to the towering heights of 5’3 inches mothafuckaaaa. Y’all look so small from up here.

I’m off to walk around the house in my new shoes do a lot of things because I’m really busy! 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

First Post (or; when we read this in three months we'll be really embarrassed)

Dear friends we sent this link to World Wide Web, 

This is a virtual sanctuary we have created to unload our most potent ponderings, reveries and revelations onto you, adoring fans and fanatics. You are welcome. 

Actually, it's more because everyone and their mother has a blog these days, and since we are nothing short of 2 tReNdY 2 fUnCtIoN, blogging is just a bandwagon upon which we needed to jump. And just in case that is not a good enough reason for you, here is a list of other reasons why we started the glorious As If:
  1. Why not?
  2. We find our own thoughts very important
  3. Ditto our senses of style
  4. We decided that “fuck you I have a blog” is the best possible comeback to an unappreciated comment 
  5. A lot of blogs take themselves too seriously (but we take ourselves more seriously.)
  6. We talk as if we have a blog anyway
  7. Facebook is not enough of an outlet for our narcissism 
  8. We often say ridiculous things. People often respond, “Ha! You should blog!” 
  9. We take things literally. 
  10. We want to nip our political careers in the bud. Starting now
  11. Maybe someone (read: someone we didn’t force the link on) will find this entertaining. 

Note: In the future we will try not to use the royal we once a sentence. No promises, but we’ll try. 

--Kayla & Ema